You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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