I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize