piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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