I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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