Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize