i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
