Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
