Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize