My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
