4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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