She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
