There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
