So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
