I'd wear matching sweaters with you
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
