i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
