I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
