I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
"it" just moved
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
