yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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