I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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