He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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