You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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