Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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