I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
