i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
