dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
