remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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