So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
