If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
