We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
