she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
