i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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