Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
