Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
