I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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