So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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