Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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