Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
