just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
