I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
