just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
