My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
no, he came in my armpit
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
