I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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