She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
