Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
