GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I believe in your delicious
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
