ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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