Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
