4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
