He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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