i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize