My room smells like vodka and shame
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize