Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
