Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
