Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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