the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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