When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
