you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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