So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
