and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize