is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Operation Purity has been aborted
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
