Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize