sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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