i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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