My room smells like vodka and shame
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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